Last year I went through a pretty bad break up and it devastated me. I had spent two and a half years falling in love with someone and dreaming of a future with him and it had suddenly been taken away from me and I was left with many unanswered questions. I was crushed. All the insecurities that had been laid to rest resurfaced and I kept questioning whether I was even lovable.
For me, there were a few things that made my break up particularly painful; I was involved with someone my friends and family had doubts about and yet I thought the guy was just misunderstood and no one knew him the way I did. Little did I know...
Me and Mistake (for I refuse to call him an ‘ex’) often spoke of a future together, where there was marriage and children. I was happy with him because it was the first time in my life that I felt I was loved by someone who wasn’t a family member. I had found someone, who seemed to enjoy my company and wanted to be with me. I never felt less unwanted in my life than when Mistake left.
Mistake decided he no longer wanted anything to do with me and he promptly ended our relationship by sending me a picture of him on a date with his new girlfriend. It hurt that he had moved on so quickly. It hurt that he moved on before he had actually broken up with me. But it devastated me that he no longer cared about me and did not care what impact that picture would have. His loyalties had shifted from me to her. In the weeks that followed, I struggled to sleep and I felt a constant pressure on my chest. At one point, I spoke to my GP and I was told I was going through symptoms of acute stress. She was very sympathetic; she prescribed me some tablets which would help me sleep (these weren’t actual sleeping pills but antihistamines that had drowsiness as a side effect). She told me I could call her again if I needed to. I never called her again; not because I was okay but because I felt foolish to be going to the GP for heartbreak.
I was confused and all over the place. I kept thinking about the end of my relationship (I can’t say ‘our’ because it seemed one-sided now) and kept wondering what I did wrong and why couldn’t he have a conversation with me to at least honour the two and a half years we spent professing our undying love for each other and did he not even have just a little bit of respect for me? Not even a teeny tiny bit?
Break ups are hard for so many reasons. For me, it was mainly about the disappointment of something that will never be and a sense of self-doubt that came afterward. And in some instances, there may be an element of ‘I kinda miss him’; but for me, I feel like Mistake was a stranger and I never truly got to know him. So, I feel like I am also mourning the loss of someone special because the guy I fell in love with never existed in the first place. That guy was in love with me and he would have never done anything to break my heart. Also, there is a dreaded sense of never knowing and never resolving an issue that I will forever remain unclear about. Sure, I get he moved on. But what is it about me that made him run? Was I not good enough for him? Did he ever even love me in the first place?...So many questions and yet they can never be asked and so will never be answered.
Eventually I, and anyone else with an unresolved, broken heart, will move on. We will find our happiness elsewhere and we will love ourselves again. We may find a deeper connection with ourselves and get to learn more about us that we never knew about before. And in time, we will not see rejection and heart break as such negatively, devastating events in our lives. Rather, it is a rite of passage and it will help us find a stronger, truer version of who we truly are. It may make the journey a little bit harder and a little bit longer; but hang in there, we will get through this and we will get the happiness that we deserve....